|
|
Ruth Juchter, OSH |
 |
| Sr. Ruth Juchter, OSH |
TOO TIRED TO PRAY
I am running "tired", not inspired, most holy God, thinking of going to the chapel and it is only 3:30* - however I know that is a foolish thought unless I could think that I might really be able to enter into your presence in my prayer. Since I have temporarily moved my seat to the other side of choir, in order to keep B. company on that side, I don't know whether sitting there instead of in my usual seat will upset my prayer or not. The fact that I am thinking along such lines is clear indication that I am not drawn to communion with you. And having read earlier some in Augustine's Confessions, at a time when he was not yet a Christian, parallels my present "feelings." And I can almost hear you saying, "You need to go to the chapel now, given your present spiritual state." All right, God, I shall go. I'll take something to read with me in the event that I can't just simply sit there in your presence....
Later. I took St. Augustine but never opened him, for you, God, were there waiting for me. I did a bit of journaling: I was seated in S's seat across from my usual place. I came to the chapel about 3:45, very early given that I was very tired and feeling very un-called to prayer. But you, oh God, knew that prayer was possible, even in an unaccustomed seat. May your name be praised! I brought across from my regular place my Little Gidding page* with the quotes and meditated on "If you came this way" to a different place in this chapel..."It would always be the same," the same place where you dwell and to which you call me time and again.: "...starting from anywhere..."from my familiar room but today in a "I am too tired to pray modewrong! ..I was wrong and I didn't give you credit, oh God, for what you could and did enable me to do in this familiar and beloved chapel.
I told my sisters that I went to chapel and found you waiting with open arms there for me.!
* T.S. Eliot. Four Quartets. "Little Gidding" lines 39-40 "If you came this way Taking any route, starting from anywhere...."
* Mentions of time relate to 5:00 Vespers.
February, 2008
MAN'S INHUMANITY TO MAN
After a visit to a prisoner on death row in
the Georgia state prison at Reidsville.
November 20, 1978
Door slides open
Humming
As the electronic mechanism
Moves it back
Door bangs shut
Behind me
Heavy door
Heavy barred door
Ominous
Formidable
Accursed
Barred door behind me
Barred door before me
As I sit waiting
Shackled ankles pass
Pass the dichotomy
Glass case
Filled with athletic trophies
Bronzed figures gracefully
Leaping with a ball
I try to pray
Door slides open
Ominous inner barred door
Bangs shut
Smashes shut
Behind me
Interior barred doors open
Crash closed
Cacophony of catastrophic canticles
Harsh
Sinister
Shattering
Smashing
Slamming
Ceaseless souvenir
Of maximum security
Spicing conversation
Cacophonic
Claustrophobic
Clamorous
Scandalous
Atrocious
Heinous
Accursed
Alas for
Man's inhumanity to man
Published in The Living Church of July 8, 1979.
Included with permission.
Some Jottings
Words which are no words – non-words
Oh God
Oh most mighty
Oh most wondrous
Ineffable
These "poems" came to me a few days ago. I offer them, tongue in cheek.
And yet, methinks they do express something about God.
Ruth, OSH
January 30, 2000
Three "Poems" about God
1. God
God is
-----------------------------
2. God
Ineffable
-----------------------------
3. _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _
I look down the valley. There lies the city. It is spread out before me. I perceive its multitudes of people. They swarm like ants. They are intent on buying more and more things which they can ill afford. I am ready to leave them. I turn to the mountain. It rises before me. Its summit is lost in the clouds. I can see only a small part of it. It is very steep. It is barren, rocky. I begin to climb. I take the first steps up. I need to look carefully where I place my feet lest I fall. If I were to fall, I would find myself back in the valley. I move slowly and steadily upward. The whole upper portion of the mountain is shrouded in cloud. I turn to see how far I have come. I cannot tell. I find the valley with its city full of scurrying people hidden in cloud.
I turn and continue my climb. How far have I come? How far have I yet to go? Impossible to know as I seem to climb between two clouds, one below and one above. I keep on, placing one foot ahead of the other, always careful lest I fall. As I gain altitude, the air becomes thinner. I am unaccustomed to the thinner air. I must move more slowly and more carefully. It seems as though the cloud above me keeps pace just above me, while the cloud beneath me rises just behind me. I am alone. How much farther is it to the top? Shall I be able to reach the summit? On and on, one foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other. I am not accustomed to the altitude. I have to stop every few steps to catch my breath. Looking up I think there may be a level place there above me. I am still too far below to be certain. The cloud does not permit me a clear view. Looking behind me again, I see nothing. Onward and upward.
Now I begin to be more certain that there is some sort of plateau above. I shall be glad to find rest there. Wearily I place one foot before the other. One foot before the other. Oh! It looks as if there is someone standing up there. The cloud lifts. –It is God! He looks down at me. I look up at him. No words are exchanged. God beckons me to come. I resume the climb, slowly and painstakingly. I am impatient to reach the plateau where God stands. I arrive breathless. I am unable to speak. I no longer need to climb higher. I am an empty, a questing soul, yearning to give myself wholly to the One before whom I stand.
From some invisible source He brings me water. He quenches my unquenchable thirst. I begin to revive. “I saw you begin the climb. I have watched your every step. I have waited a long time for you to come.”
Sister Ruth Juchter, O.S.H.
November 2005